Sitting up watching 'Forrest Gump'. I guess I should avoid films which makes me weep but I think I'm pretty weeped out at the moment so maybe I'm safe. It gets pretty tiresome to cry after a few days, it drains you and makes you look horrid. And hey, at some point I must get my groove back on and get that newly single hotness on the go. (Not right now though, now I'm all about the pajamas, the sobbing and the dark circles).
I'm still thinking about him. Not in a 'why couldn't it be different' way, but in the sense that I care and want the best for him.
I guess I'm just a caring person, although sometimes (like right now) I can't help but wonder if it has caused me more grief than good.
Saturday, 30 June 2012
"Come back strong"
Its the ups and downs that are really getting to me. A week of them now, a week of absolute heartache, uncertainty and very little sleep. It's mad how PHYSICAL the effect is, how I can feel it in my entire body.
I can't wait for the morning when I wake up feeling happy again, believe me I know it will happen eventually. There's just so many bumps in the road to happiness.
I got a letter from my Gran today. First I thought I'd be better off reading it at my friends house as I was heading over there for brunch (and, as it turned out, a movie marathon and a take-away as well. Yes, I am avoiding being on my own, can you blame me?) but then I sat down and opened it up. And I found it hard reading it though my tears. I love her so much and I can't wait to fly back to her, to the same country as her.
I know I am lucky, I am surrounded by people who care, people who support me in my decision, people who will sit up with me until 3am and talk about LIFE, bitterness and the dreams of future loves and happiness.
I love my friends, they are loving, smart, amazing people. Moving away from this country will effect me in ways I cam never imagine. I wont be able to walk down the road and spend the day with them, arrange a night out spontaneously or see them just for one hour over a coffee.
I mean, all of these things are doable, but they will involve more work, more planning.
And that's scary. But at the same time I have to TRY making this shit situation into an opportunity. I have to. And I have to stay strong.
Thank God its been a week. A week which will never come back, a week which must be the low point from which I can work my way up.
I can't wait for the morning when I wake up feeling happy again, believe me I know it will happen eventually. There's just so many bumps in the road to happiness.
I got a letter from my Gran today. First I thought I'd be better off reading it at my friends house as I was heading over there for brunch (and, as it turned out, a movie marathon and a take-away as well. Yes, I am avoiding being on my own, can you blame me?) but then I sat down and opened it up. And I found it hard reading it though my tears. I love her so much and I can't wait to fly back to her, to the same country as her.
I know I am lucky, I am surrounded by people who care, people who support me in my decision, people who will sit up with me until 3am and talk about LIFE, bitterness and the dreams of future loves and happiness.
I love my friends, they are loving, smart, amazing people. Moving away from this country will effect me in ways I cam never imagine. I wont be able to walk down the road and spend the day with them, arrange a night out spontaneously or see them just for one hour over a coffee.
I mean, all of these things are doable, but they will involve more work, more planning.
And that's scary. But at the same time I have to TRY making this shit situation into an opportunity. I have to. And I have to stay strong.
Thank God its been a week. A week which will never come back, a week which must be the low point from which I can work my way up.
I feel like destroying something beautiful
I feel like screaming at someone.
I which I could hate him, I really, really do. But my brain is telling me this is the right choice. That you can't stay together when you want completely different things. That it will be OK in the end, that maybe, maybe I will look back at this in a years time and feel like I was set free, like he did it out of love. I somehow don't doubt that he did it out of love, and a touch of selfishness, but mainly love.
But my heart is breaking and all I want to do is kick a puppy.
Ok, maybe not kick a puppy (oh my god I could never kick a puppy. Maybe a wall. Or my now former managers annoying face). But I want to stop happy looking couples in the street and tell them that IT'S ALL A LIE and that life is heartbreak and misery.
And I want to sleep. So badly.
And I could do with a Mcdonalds.
And I could do with a Mcdonalds.
Friday, 29 June 2012
LIFE. For fucks sake, LIFE
I'm in a weird mood today. I'm angry, sad, hopeful, sick and tired. I've been fighting my mobile phone provider and realised that I will probably be paying for a contract for about as long as my now ex-relationship lasted, in spite of not using it, in spite of not living in the UK.
I also got a tax-refund from inland revenue.
Like, WHAT THE HELL. It's like universe it TRYING to cheer me up while simultaneously pissing me off royally.
Now. Do I put it towards:
(Good luck with that).
I also got a tax-refund from inland revenue.
Like, WHAT THE HELL. It's like universe it TRYING to cheer me up while simultaneously pissing me off royally.
Now. Do I put it towards:
- my future phone bills
- my future flat
- wine
- loads and loads of new clothes which would make me feel better for about 15 minutes
- a weekend away from life
(Good luck with that).
Thursday, 28 June 2012
My sense of humour is about as dark as my vision of the future
I must admit it made me feel a bit better knowing Johnny Depp became single around the same time as me.
After the last post
My mood took a major dive. Not that I was perky before, but there's something about putting things into words which makes you feel ever more. It becomes so real, and that it TERRIFYING.
So I sobbed hysterically and called my parents. My poor dad (who's not big on emotional outbursts) picked up and then spent some frantic minutes trying to find my mum until finally settling down and telling me that I could move to, you know, SHANGHAI or something. Which I guess is technically true.
Then my mum took the phone and we both wept a bit. Honestly, I don't know what do do without them both.
As you may understand I didn't feel on top of the world, so when my friend asked if I wanted her to pop over it was a real life line. The fact that she showed up with wine, cheese, crackers and cigarettes didn't make it worse. And we ranted, and we smoked, and we drank the wine and ranted some more until we could see some kind of hope/humour/possibilities in the whole mess which has been our lives during the last few days (I should add she broke up with her boyfriend during the same hellish weekend. THE UNIVERSE HATES US.)
Anyway. Today I was back to normal, e.g. weeping in the morning, feeling drained and hopeless and slowly building myself up to a fairly stable stage in the afternoon.
It has to get better. It needs to get better.
So I sobbed hysterically and called my parents. My poor dad (who's not big on emotional outbursts) picked up and then spent some frantic minutes trying to find my mum until finally settling down and telling me that I could move to, you know, SHANGHAI or something. Which I guess is technically true.
Then my mum took the phone and we both wept a bit. Honestly, I don't know what do do without them both.
As you may understand I didn't feel on top of the world, so when my friend asked if I wanted her to pop over it was a real life line. The fact that she showed up with wine, cheese, crackers and cigarettes didn't make it worse. And we ranted, and we smoked, and we drank the wine and ranted some more until we could see some kind of hope/humour/possibilities in the whole mess which has been our lives during the last few days (I should add she broke up with her boyfriend during the same hellish weekend. THE UNIVERSE HATES US.)
Anyway. Today I was back to normal, e.g. weeping in the morning, feeling drained and hopeless and slowly building myself up to a fairly stable stage in the afternoon.
It has to get better. It needs to get better.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
All I want to do is sleep, smoke, cry and hope I will be ok in the end
I'm not even sure how I'm functioning these days.
How do I get up in the morning, how do I go to work, how do I manage to smile... I'm really not sure.
I guess partly because I'm surrounded by friends who want the best for me, partly because although he is now technically my ex we love each other enough to do this in the most grown up way possible and still take care of each other.
And partly because I know I'm bailing out of the country in a few weeks.
The idea of being 26 and moving back home is making me sick, but not as sick as the idea of staying in a job I despise, moving into a shared flat with strangers and staying in the same city as him.
Because if I did it would be so hard.
So hearbreakingly difficult.
I had forgotten how much it hurts, this kind of breakup. My last ones were my choice and I left feeling liberated.
Now I feel crushed, scared and like I'm going to be sick.
But hey, I managed to eat today. Bring on the gold star (it was a kick ass salad, I'm sure vitamins are good for broken hearts).
How do I get up in the morning, how do I go to work, how do I manage to smile... I'm really not sure.
I guess partly because I'm surrounded by friends who want the best for me, partly because although he is now technically my ex we love each other enough to do this in the most grown up way possible and still take care of each other.
And partly because I know I'm bailing out of the country in a few weeks.
The idea of being 26 and moving back home is making me sick, but not as sick as the idea of staying in a job I despise, moving into a shared flat with strangers and staying in the same city as him.
Because if I did it would be so hard.
So hearbreakingly difficult.
I had forgotten how much it hurts, this kind of breakup. My last ones were my choice and I left feeling liberated.
Now I feel crushed, scared and like I'm going to be sick.
But hey, I managed to eat today. Bring on the gold star (it was a kick ass salad, I'm sure vitamins are good for broken hearts).
How it happened
It wasn't the longest relationship I have ever had. But it was the healthiest, the closest the the one I thought was it.
So what happened? Life happened. And though I can't stand the idea of telling the whole story now the main issue was how we found ourselves wanting completely different things. Not now, not even in a year or two, but at some point we wanted different thing. Different cities, countries. A family.
And believe me, I'm not wanting to start dropping babies any time soon but if I would I figured it would be with him.
And since the thought of children is enough to drive him in to the darkest pits of despair it wasn't likely to be a story with a happy ending. So we talked, and talked, cried and talked some more. And then I realized that the only way I wouldn't sink in to a cliché breakup-depression was by changing everything.
Jobs, cities, countries.
So I booked tickets to fly home and I handed in my notice.
Bye bye, couple-life, Scotland, job that I hated and hello Sweden, living with my parents and starting from scratch.
I'm fucking terrified.
So what happened? Life happened. And though I can't stand the idea of telling the whole story now the main issue was how we found ourselves wanting completely different things. Not now, not even in a year or two, but at some point we wanted different thing. Different cities, countries. A family.
And believe me, I'm not wanting to start dropping babies any time soon but if I would I figured it would be with him.
And since the thought of children is enough to drive him in to the darkest pits of despair it wasn't likely to be a story with a happy ending. So we talked, and talked, cried and talked some more. And then I realized that the only way I wouldn't sink in to a cliché breakup-depression was by changing everything.
Jobs, cities, countries.
So I booked tickets to fly home and I handed in my notice.
Bye bye, couple-life, Scotland, job that I hated and hello Sweden, living with my parents and starting from scratch.
I'm fucking terrified.
The background
It has been 6 days since it all began. 3 days since it became official.
It's odd how one short conversation, or even just a word, can rip the rug from underneath your feet to this extent. How one sentence links in with the next one and before you know it you are standing by the edge staring in to the abyss.
And I know it gets better with time.
And I know people go though these thing daily.
But in a matter of less than a week I have lost the love of my life and decided to leave the city I have called home for 7 years.
And you know what, anyone who tells me that time heals all wounds can go fuck themselves.
It's odd how one short conversation, or even just a word, can rip the rug from underneath your feet to this extent. How one sentence links in with the next one and before you know it you are standing by the edge staring in to the abyss.
And I know it gets better with time.
And I know people go though these thing daily.
But in a matter of less than a week I have lost the love of my life and decided to leave the city I have called home for 7 years.
And you know what, anyone who tells me that time heals all wounds can go fuck themselves.
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