Last night was one of those nights. You know, when all you want to do is hide under your duvet and cry yourself dry?
I know every day can't feel like a new beginning. The feeling that I am OK won't be steady at first.
I'm not even upset about him any more, not him alone anyway. I am upset that I thought we had something different. I am upset I built my hopes around him only for them to crumble.
I feel left out when I see friends and family do so very well with their lives, jobs, loves, children... and then I feel horrid about the feeling of jealousy. It's such a dark feeling and it doesn't do me any good.
In the midst of it I could still feel some little hard nugget of my soul which refuses to give in to that feeling or to the tears. I haven't cried over him for a long time now, all because that little piece of me which manages to stay strong. Like a diamond core in my heart which wants to turn the negative feelings into fuel. Which refuses to panic over money, work and love but breaks all the worries down into fragments which can be dealt with one at a time.
It's that little part of me which has ensured that I'm OK. That's the part which made me get up in the morning and go to work in the middle of the worst time of my life. The part which made me shake things up and leave. The part which perhaps this time next year will be stronger, bigger, more developed. Next year when I can look back at this and feel like I did good.
I know every day can't feel like a new beginning. The feeling that I am OK won't be steady at first.
I'm not even upset about him any more, not him alone anyway. I am upset that I thought we had something different. I am upset I built my hopes around him only for them to crumble.
I feel left out when I see friends and family do so very well with their lives, jobs, loves, children... and then I feel horrid about the feeling of jealousy. It's such a dark feeling and it doesn't do me any good.
In the midst of it I could still feel some little hard nugget of my soul which refuses to give in to that feeling or to the tears. I haven't cried over him for a long time now, all because that little piece of me which manages to stay strong. Like a diamond core in my heart which wants to turn the negative feelings into fuel. Which refuses to panic over money, work and love but breaks all the worries down into fragments which can be dealt with one at a time.
It's that little part of me which has ensured that I'm OK. That's the part which made me get up in the morning and go to work in the middle of the worst time of my life. The part which made me shake things up and leave. The part which perhaps this time next year will be stronger, bigger, more developed. Next year when I can look back at this and feel like I did good.
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