The cure

Emotionally unstable, the joys, the joys...

I make jokes about how my next boyfriend should be a well-paid Michelin-star chef (or Johnny Depp) and then I burst into tears over a cup of tea.
Great.
Awesome.
Mood stabilizers, anyone?

One day, one day, I'm gonna be ok

It's still grey in Scotland. I'm starting to think my mood is affecting the universe.
"Do you feel sad?" I asked him last night.
"Yes." He replied and then we both stared at the ceiling. The impending feeling of THE END creeping ever closer. In a few weeks we will be in different countries, and going from seeing each other every day for 2 years to not seeing each other at all will be one of the most brutal changes I have ever gone through.
I'm grateful I can talk to him.
And I'm very aware I haven't got the sole right to misery, fuck me, misery seems to be all around at the moment.
But there's no two ways about it, this is my 20s trauma. My Chernobyl. My massive earthquake which will cause mini-quakes for months to come. I joke about it, I go out for drinks, I go to work and I drop comments about how much I'm looking forward to being back in Scandinavia and how life might be better over there, once I can wake up in the morning without an insane feeling of DOOM.
But I can't deny this is hitting me pretty hard.

That sinking feeling

Fuck this. One moment I feel near OK, then in a heartbeat I realise that in a few weeks my whole life will be completely different, and he won't be in it anymore. I won't be able to go to him with my problems or concerns, show him silly things which makes me laugh or rely on a hug for protection and comfort. It will all be gone, it already is. And it hurts so bad it makes me want to be sick.
I just want to be at home, safe and far away from this feeling. I want to hide, forget and stop feeling like this.
I feel angry that I prioritized his happiness when he couldn't find it in him to prioritize mine, that I saw a future in spite of somehow knowing it wasn't the future he wanted. I feel angry with myself more than with him and I am so sick of this pain. I know they say time heals but it doesn't heal fast enough.

Quit your job.

I don't know who I would survive this without tea

All I really want to do is sleep.
When I'm not sleeping I'm thinking, thinking far too much. The grey weather sort of suits my mood and I feel like the sky is mourning with me in a way, mourning what we couldn't have.
Little things make me happy at the moment, breakups leave you with a distorted perspective. Solving my mobile phone contract-mess felt like the greatest achievement ever, and buying 4 pairs of new shoes instead of food seems perfectly natural.
I guess I SHOULD focus on finding out which city I want to live in, if I want to study or work, what I want to work with, saving money for a flat deposit... But at the moment figuring out what to bring for lunch to work is hard enough.

One day at a time

Drinking tea, eating some breakfast and trying to find some normality in the midst of the chaos.
I have been speaking to my Mum A LOT this last week, and now it's getting to the point that we have started planning the packing, the practicalities, the future in a way. It will be mad moving back to Sweden, completely mad. I have spent 7 years in the UK and I guess I haven't got a Swedish mindset anymore, in spite of longing for home this place has been IT for so long.
I'm ready to leave, I really am. If I wasn't I would have looked for ways of staying here. But it would have been so hard, too hard, and I would have felt lost for so long. And I would have missed him far too much.
This is better. My brain tells me it's better and that it will be a good thing in the end. But bloody hell I'm so scared.