Living it up on a Saturday night

Sitting up watching 'Forrest Gump'. I guess I should avoid films which makes me weep but I think I'm pretty weeped out at the moment so maybe I'm safe. It gets pretty tiresome to cry after a few days, it drains you and makes you look horrid. And hey, at some point I must get my groove back on and get that newly single hotness on the go. (Not right now though, now I'm all about the pajamas, the sobbing and the dark circles).
I'm still thinking about him. Not in a 'why couldn't it be different' way, but in the sense that I care and want the best for him.
I guess I'm just a caring person, although sometimes (like right now) I can't help but wonder if it has caused me more grief than good.

"Come back strong"

Its the ups and downs that are really getting to me. A week of them now, a week of absolute heartache, uncertainty and very little sleep. It's mad how PHYSICAL the effect is, how I can feel it in my entire body.
I can't wait for the morning when I wake up feeling happy again, believe me I know it will happen eventually. There's just so many bumps in the road to happiness.

 I got a letter from my Gran today. First I thought I'd be better off reading it at my friends house as I was heading over there for brunch (and, as it turned out, a movie marathon and a take-away as well. Yes, I am avoiding being on my own, can you blame me?) but then I sat down and opened it up. And I found it hard reading it though my tears. I love her so much and I can't wait to fly back to her, to the same country as her.

I know I am lucky, I am surrounded by people who care, people who support me in my decision, people who will sit up with me until 3am and talk about LIFE, bitterness and the dreams of future loves and happiness.
I love my friends, they are loving, smart, amazing people. Moving away from this country will effect me in ways I cam never imagine. I wont be able to walk down the road and spend the day with them, arrange a night out spontaneously or see them just for one hour over a coffee.
I mean, all of these things are doable, but they will involve more work, more planning.
And that's scary. But at the same time I have to TRY making this shit situation into an opportunity. I have to. And I have to stay strong.

Thank God its been a week. A week which will never come back, a week which must be the low point from which I can work my way up.

I feel like destroying something beautiful

I feel like screaming at someone.

I which I could hate him, I really, really do. But my brain is telling me this is the right choice. That you can't stay together when you want completely different things. That it will be OK in the end, that maybe, maybe I will look back at this in a years time and feel like I was set free, like he did it out of love. I somehow don't doubt that he did it out of love, and a touch of selfishness, but mainly love.

But my heart is breaking and all I want to do is kick a puppy.

Ok, maybe not kick a puppy (oh my god I could never kick a puppy. Maybe a wall. Or my now former managers annoying face). But I want to stop happy looking couples in the street and tell them that IT'S ALL A LIE and that life is heartbreak and misery.

And I want to sleep. So badly.
And I could do with a Mcdonalds. 

LIFE. For fucks sake, LIFE

I'm in a weird mood today. I'm angry, sad, hopeful, sick and tired. I've been fighting my mobile phone provider and realised that I will probably be paying for a contract for about as long as my now ex-relationship lasted, in spite of not using it, in spite of not living in the UK.
I also got a tax-refund from inland revenue.
Like, WHAT THE HELL. It's like universe it TRYING to cheer me up while simultaneously pissing me off royally.
Now. Do I put it towards:

• my future phone bills
• my future flat
• wine
• loads and loads of new clothes which would make me feel better for about 15 minutes
• a weekend away from life

Oh. I just don't know. All I know is that I want to stop feeling like this, I want my heart to get in sync with my head and I want to start enjoying being in my own company.
(Good luck with that).

BROKEN HEARTS ARE FOR ASSHOLES.

FUCK THIS. There's not enough wine in the world.

My sense of humour is about as dark as my vision of the future

I must admit it made me feel a bit better knowing Johnny Depp became single around the same time as me.

For Christs sake.

Honestly.  LIFE.