Too much time to think about death, failures and how my life compares to those of others. The ANGST made a spectacular return yesterday and it's that familiar dark feeling gnawing on my heart. The stinging tears, the shortness of breath, the feeling of being utterly LOST.
If it wasn't for the fact that this is a familiar feeling I would blame it on him, but angst is my old pal. We've hung out before. Such a crap companion.
But I can't help but to doubt my decisions.
If I had stayed in Scotland I would probably have a full on depression/fatal liver issues by now. But at least my failure would be far away from everyone, they wouldn't know how shit my wage was, how much mould there is in Scottish bathrooms, how horrid the men I could pull really were.
They would not be able to see my failure, I would still be living abroad (which, in this part of the world, is still seen as an accomplishment).
Now it's like I'm on show. The only one of the kids back on the west coast. The only one without a job. The one with all the wasted potential.
Fuck this. I really need a job.
If it wasn't for the fact that this is a familiar feeling I would blame it on him, but angst is my old pal. We've hung out before. Such a crap companion.
But I can't help but to doubt my decisions.
If I had stayed in Scotland I would probably have a full on depression/fatal liver issues by now. But at least my failure would be far away from everyone, they wouldn't know how shit my wage was, how much mould there is in Scottish bathrooms, how horrid the men I could pull really were.
They would not be able to see my failure, I would still be living abroad (which, in this part of the world, is still seen as an accomplishment).
Now it's like I'm on show. The only one of the kids back on the west coast. The only one without a job. The one with all the wasted potential.
Fuck this. I really need a job.
Flytta till Köpenhamn och bli min kompis? :)
ReplyDeleteMin mamma tjatade på mig att nu när jag inte har någon eller något att vara bunden till så borde jag skaffa mig ett jobb i sverige och flytta tillbaka. Till vad? Göteborg? Göteborg har ingenting mer att erbjuda mig, jag har gjort göteborg i 5 år, jag gillar köpenhamn eller bara känslan att vara någonannanstans fast jag inte har något permanent boende och är väldigt ensam. Känslan av att bo i större stad och inte ha koll på allting och inte kunna snacka danska heller. I'm lost men på något sätt så känns detta som min utmaning.
Men mest av allt så ville jag bara skicka en kram till dig
Lustigt nog ar det en plan. Jag har fina vanner i Kopenhamn, och det kanns lagon langt bort, men anda nara hemma (vilket jag faktiskt suktar efter, efter 7 ar utomlands). Kopenhamn kanns... mojligt. Fint, liksom.
ReplyDeleteTack. Och kram till dig med!