Oh my dear lord I need to be able to turn my brain off

I don't know why I thought this would be easier back here. Job hunting is soul crushing no matter in which country you live in.

Like clockwork I start to miss my home on the other side of the North Sea. I miss Scotland, I miss my friends, I miss the comfort of knowing how things work. It's that 'fight of flee' instinct kicking in, and all I want to do is flee. I want what I know and what I trust.
Filling out all these forms and confronting all these practicalities makes it feel so final. Like there's no return.
My boxes are still in Scotland. My books, my winter clothes. Is it too late now? Did I make a rushed decision?
Or is it just fear? Basic, gut-wrenching fear of the unknown and of failure? There's so many question marks and I feel like I'm going to be sick.
I want to talk to him about it, and at the same time he's the reason why I'm in this situation.
Life.
Is.
Too.
Fucking.
Hard.

I just want to hide away and watch ever John Cusack film ever made and for the world to become less difficult to navigate. I want to turn off all my feelings and thoughts and stop weeping.
God dammit, I just want a hug.