I can feel that it's a whole new healing process I didn't even knew I needed to go through. I never understood that I had to forgive the cobbled streets, the salty air, the streets with so many memories linked to them. I just LEFT and hoped that it would be enough.
It never is, it seems. You actually have to work through every kind of breakup, including the ones with cities, places, countries. I always knew I'd be back sooner or later, just not.... This soon. Not under these circumstances.
I enjoy forgiving these streets. I enjoy seeing my town for what it is instead of everything is wasn't. I hope that I can look back at my former relationship the same way eventually. At the moment I can feel anger bubble up inside of me, anger directed at little things he did ages ago. Times when he didn't care enough, times when he let me carry the both of us. Times when I could have done with something more than what ha gave me. It's like I'm angry at the person he was then, while being able to stay amicable with the person he is now.
It doesn't even make sense. To be so angry with someone and still care. To have internal monologues where I scream but still never feel the need to when I actually speak to him. To miss someone and still be glad that it's time to move on.
We're such complicated creatures. Maybe I should just quit the human race all together, join a pride of lions and roam the savannah (as long as there's spf 50).
Maybe I should just stop thinking about him.
ah jag gör samma sak, går och pratar med mig själv, har interna diskussioner där alla handlar om honom...sen när jag ser honom eller pratar med honom så kommer ingenting upp till ytan. jag blir stum för det mesta, vet inte om det är för att någnstans inuti finns en röst som säger "vad tjänar det till ändå?". Eller om det är för att jag glömmer allt vad tid och rymduppfattning är för något när han finns i närheten.. :/
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