"You look really pretty. I bet you have Swedish guys dropping at your feet."
I don't know why he's saying things like that. Is it to find out if I'm seeing other guys? Or is it just to be nice, to patch up the wounds he has caused me? I don't know.
I know he fancies me, even after he made it clear we couldn't have a future together I knew that. I know he still does. Obviously that doesn't make me feel WORSE.
But I don't know why we are playing this game, being so nice, nearly flirtatious. Are we just THAT mature that we can break up without a single fight?
I can't help but feel that it's like he knows he's made the biggest mistake of his life but he is too stubborn to ever turn back and change his mind. There are some things you can't change your mind about.
Yesterday I saw 70ish people from my Grandfather's side of the family. Loads of great aunts and uncles, cousins and second cousins, loads of little blond children running wild on a football pitch. It made me realise that I want that too. The family. The children.The feeling of belonging, pride and unconditional love.
Not now. Not within the near future. But I DO want it.
He could see it in me and that is what tore us apart in the end. Not lack of love, not fighting. The fact that he can't ever see himself wanting to be a father. He has no biological clock, he has had nearly 37 years to figure that out.
And when I was a student, ignoring real life, it was fine. But it was like he could sense that damn biological clock ticking ever louder, could feel our time running out.
He said he didn't want to deprive me of the chance to live that life.
Instead he decided to deprive me of him.
No comments:
Post a Comment